Not Enough
by UchihanoChidori
Summary: Just because there is love, it doesn't mean it was meant to be.


**A/N:** This was written for the Reader Appreciation's Song Challenge on Y!Gallery. I Picked Robyn's "With Every Heartbeat" and this is what came out of it. I had a lot of fun doing this, even though it's a sad fic.

I'm happy about it, since it's my first one-shot ever. I'm wondering If I should make a sequel, though, since I'm not so fond of unhappy endings. We'll see.

Do let me know what you think, ne?

**Not Enough**

The house is dark and deadly quiet, but I know I'm not alone and that, somewhere, you are patiently waiting for me. You probably have since I stormed out, almost twelve hours ago because you always do, no matter what.

I leave my keys inside the pocket of my jacket, which I remove before hanging it up on the coat hanger by the entrance.

I stand still, scanning the large living room and taking in all the contours that shape the furniture. The air smells of old cigarettes and your most expensive cologne. It's so you that a familiar shiver runs through me.

_Dejá Vu_. This is something I've experienced too many times before, in this exact spot, doing the exact same things, and in spite of that, my heart is still beating wildly in my chest.

It should've gotten old by now, but I can't seem to get used to it.

My feet automatically drag me to where you are; sure of the direction they're taking as if they can trace you down easily.

People might say this is something that happens between soul-mates, but I've stopped believing such bullshit a long time ago. Destiny was never kind to us.

It's not destiny's fault but our own. It's still hard to admit that, after all this time, I'm still clinging to the necessity of blaming everyone and everything but us.

I stop at the bathroom door – which is slightly ajar – and push it open. You're here, of course, sitting inside the large round bathtub filled with water, your head resting on the ceramic edge, your body immersed. The tips of your long bangs are wet and your eyes are closed.

When I step inside and close the door behind me, you open your eyes to look straight at me.

"Hi." I say, impassively.

"Hi." You greet back, with equal blankness. Your grave voice – the one I've always considered very alluring – makes my throat constrict.

I start removing my clothes – I do it slowly, cautiously because I know you like to watch me as much as I like being watched by you.

I unbutton my shirt, one button at a time. Your dark, deep grey eyes narrow appreciatively in a dangerous way. You look at me like a predator would, and yet you don't move.

The intensity of the moment is intoxicating, as I let my shirt fall to the floor, my chest bare for you to see. Your desire feels like many, tiny little hands all over my skin.

I bring my hands to unbuckle the belt in my jeans and you follow them attentively.

"Are you joining me?" You ask casually, as I undo the button and unzip my jeans.

"You don't want me to?" I ask, forcing my voice keep steady, in control.

"Such a stupid question, Naruto." You say, and smirk, that devious, sexy, smirk of yours.

I almost get hard looking at you.

That's it, I think, pushing my pants and my boxers down and stepping out of them. Let's pretend, make it natural. Let's make fun of us and forget all about yesterday – the things we said, the shouting, me leaving.

Not this time. I won't let us do this anymore.

Your tongue lashes out to lick your lips. You observe me penetratingly as I swing one leg over the edge of the tub and dive my foot inside. The water smells nice and is warm, inviting and I soon get inside the tub, immersing myself all the way down until only my head is peeking out on the surface, just like yours. Our toes touch but I do nothing to move my feet away.

We eye each other passively for what feels like hours before I speak.

"Come here." I say, gently – as if pleading – because you are not the type of person who likes to be ordered around and this peacefulness is already dangerous as it is.

I notice you swallowing hard once before carefully readjusting yourself with the stealth of a cat to be on your hands and knees.

I watch in slight fascination as you slowly move closer to me underneath the water, only your head showing as well as little bits of the naked skin from your pale shoulders.

I automatically reach out to wrap my arms around your neck, and you move artfully to sit on my lap with your legs around my waist. It's easy for me to move us forward a little, more to the center of the tub, so you can be a little more comfortable.

Our wet bodies are in full contact. You press yourself harder to me and I pull you closer because I can, and because I want to. I shouldn't, but I do it anyway. I need it, at least for now.

You touch your forehead to mine and sigh almost imperceptibly, hands rubbing small but firm circles over my back in what is supposed to be a soothing way – only I don't feel soothed at all.

I know what you're doing. By now, I know how you work your magic on me. You want to make me forget why I'm here after yesterday's chaos, and I almost do because in moments like these, it's easy to forget, even if for a moment.

But I don't. I can't. I won't.

Still, I indulge myself and tilt my head upwards so that our lips meet. We smooch first, almost chastely, once, twice, and then your mouth opens to me in a clear demand for more. Your lips move over mine expertly but you let me decide what I want to do next, so I move mine over yours as well for a while before allowing our tongues to meet. These steps we take have become so careful lately it's painful. It's not like any of us wanted it to come down to this, but it has and now all that's left is this odd feeling of familiarity, like two very close people who've been away from each other for far too long and now don't know how to relate to each other but are desperately trying to bring the fond memories of the past back.

For a few minutes, all I can hear is the sound of our breathings, mingling together and the sloppy noises we make as we kiss.  
When we part, you sigh again and rest your face against the crook of my neck.

We stay silent for a while as I stare at the tiled wall and ruffle the slightly damp hairs in your nape.

"Naruto..." You whisper in my ear, voice hoarse and grave. "I…"

"Don't," I interrupt firmly, closing my eyes. I don't want to do this again, and I won't even let you start. "I think we're both more than tired of these halfhearted apologies by now."

You move away from me, straightening up so that your dark, beautiful eyes offer me a cold look and a frown.

"I wasn't going to apologize." You say, proudly and more confidently that I had predicted. "And just so you know, my apologies were never halfhearted, dumbass. They're just not worth as much as they should by now."

I nod solemnly.

"Like all those promises we made." I say.

You tilt your head to the side a bit, studiously, before nodding back.

"...Yeah..." You agree. "Exactly."

The next thing I know, your body is leaving mine and you're moving away from me to go to your previous location on the other side of the tub, across from me. Feeling a little dejected, and missing the feel of you already, I too go back to my initial position.

You pull your legs to your chest and look at me, still frowning like a stubborn child and my heart speeds up before I can do anything to stop it.

"Sasuke..." When I call out your name, my throat hurts. "I love you."

Your frown only deepens and you would look positively frightening to anyone but me, but I'm too used to these expressions of yours to be intimidated.

"Are you saying that because you feel like it or because you are expecting something in return?" You ask, almost viciously.

"I always feel like saying it, even if it embarrasses you to hear it," I mutter, smiling a little. "Although I do have to admit that I don't think you've ever said it often enough."

And just like that, your expression changes to one of hurt and, maybe, regret. You breathe in and out a few times.

"I do love you." You look pained while saying it with that grave, careless tone, but there's a resolute look to your unblinking eyes that lets me know you mean it. "In spite of everything, I really, really do."

"I already knew that."

Once more we are surrounded my silence. It's not uncomfortable, but the unspoken words we both need to say are left hanging in the air and we both can sense them, floating about around us, but neither really has the guts to bring them out right now.

"Do you remember the first time we had sex?" I ask, grinning softly, my hands shifting restlessly under the water.

"As if I could forget something like that." You say, and the smirk you make looks honest but I know it took effort to appear.

"How old were we, fifteen?"

"I was already seventeen, but you were still sixteen."

"Ah, was it that long ago?" I muse, eyebrows rising at the realization.

"Twelve years ago, yes."

We've known each other for twenty years and have been together for eleven, Sasuke. For most people this would be the proof of a strong bond and of the perfect friendship.

Bonds…who knew being bonded to someone could be this fucked up?

"Shit..." I mutter, chuckling. "It didn't go well, did it?"

"It was terrible, that's for sure." You agree, looking thoughtful.

"Why did we end up doing it, anyway?"

"Because I was mad at you," You explain, a grim look crossing those perfect features I've always envied. "It was my goddamned birthday party and you disappeared to do whatever with that friend of Sakura's...in my room."

"Nn...I remember that," I say, feeling my cheeks burn up with embarrassment at the memory. I used to be such a twat when I was a teenager. "You caught us making out and started insulting us with such cruelty she fled, the poor thing."

"She was a whore."

"And you were a bastard," I contradict. "That tongue of yours can be really nasty sometimes."

"It certainly served you right."

We glare at each other for a few moments.

"You said some really hurtful things to me, though."

"I was furious," You state. "All I wanted was to hurt you, emotionally and physically."

"I could tell," I learned my sarcasm from you. "You broke a few of my fingers."

"It made up for the fact that you raped me."

"I didn't rape you!" I exclaim, offended. "If I did, you wouldn't have begged for more a few days later."

Which was true. It was also true that I had probably been a little too enthusiastic back then and read your signals all wrong, but you had moaned so much I actually thought you had been enjoying yourself…considering we were both pissed off out our minds, that is.

"Whatever." You mutter, making a clacking noise with your tongue.

It is now my turn to let out a long, loud sigh.

"What have we been doing all these years, Sasuke?" I whisper, feeling my muscles relax from sudden exhaustion. "Why do we keep doing this? Why do we keep coming back to this...absurdity?"

"Because it feels right..." You say, with amazing conviction. "...when it doesn't feel wrong."

"It feels more wrong than right." I point out, because, in a way, I want you to say what I want to hear. I need something to give me strength.

"No, it doesn't." You reply, bitterly. "It always felt right; otherwise we wouldn't keep coming back."

"I like to believe it, too, but..." You're not making this any easier on me, so I have to be harsher than you. "I'm sick of lying to myself, and I know you are, too."

Your mouth opens to retort, but you end up closing it brusquely and nodding your head from side to side.

For a moment there, as we look at each other, your eyes become full of life with emotion, and it's the strangest thing since you never liked to expose yourself. And yet, there it is.

I don't know what it is, but it looks like helplessness, fatigue and sadness and it makes my heart ache.

I want nothing more than to offer some comfort but I decide against it.

"Maa, I wish we could stay here, in this bathroom, forever," I end up saying, pretending I didn't acknowledge your feeling. "I wish you could always look this gorgeous and we could always just...be comfortable like this and not fearing the next day or the next few hours." I close my eyes because looking at you hurts. "Outside is so painful..."

I hear you sniff very dissimulately, so I still pretend to not notice.

"When we're like this, it almost makes me want to go back. Back to when we thought this could work. Back to being naive and hopeful, again and again believing that things would somehow get better the next time around."

"They will become better, Naruto," Your voice cracks and it trembles a little, but you keep it low."We haven't been trying hard enough, that's all."

"From the way I see it, we've tried enough as it is, for far too long," I tilt my head back and open my eyes to meet the celling "I mean, look at us! We took forever to even speak to each other! When we did, it took forever to learn how to be civilized, and when we did manage that, we still had a hard time trying to trust each other and become friends."

"But we did become friends," You say. "Best friends."

"Sasuke, we were always fighting about everything and nothing. I loved being around you but you made me so angry all the time with your fucking sarcasm and that superior 'don't-touch- me-or-I'll-kill-you' attitude."

"You weren't any better," You retort. "You didn't know how to deal with me at all; you just kept dragging me to your circle of friends, always divided between complimenting me and humiliating me."

"I know! We were such assholes!" I straighten to face you once more. "Even when we moved on that faze there was always something wrong, something that didn't click."

"We always clicked perfectly, but it was never only in the good way." You murmur, softly. There is a strange sparkle in your eyes that makes mine water too.

We can't cry. We just…

"And moving in together? It was the worst idea ever." I press on, frowning heavily and blinking stupidly to stop the tears from falling. I don't want you to see me like that.

"We fought so much about the furniture and the decorations..."

"Yeah, and look at this place now," I retort, looking around evasively. "It's empty, lifeless. There is nothing here that represents me, or you. There are no us here. It's dead." I swallow hard and risk a glance at you. "We're becoming like it. We're dying, too."

"My feelings aren't dying."

You're surprisingly honest in times like these. It kind of reminds me of Itachi, whom I many times wished to have fallen for instead of you.

"But your willpower is." I say, with the softest of whispers. "And so is mine."

You don't argue because you know I'm right.

"We can sell the house," The suggestion is enthusiastic. "Maybe if we stop living together we can get along better. We'll just meet when we can and..."

"We're not kids anymore." I cut. "That won't do at all."

For the first time since I got inside this bathroom, the fury coming from you is genuine.

"Then what will do for you? See, that's why I don't want to stop trying! I'm not that weak, I'm not powerless!" Even though you yelled, your voice drops a few octaves as it loses its strength. "You can't be either. It's been too long, we..."

I clasp my fingers together, glad that you can't see them.

"The thing is…I don't think I want to be strong, or to fight." I whisper. A chill runs down my spine despite the fact that the water is still very warm. I realize I don't want to do this, but then again, who wants to let go of the person they've considered the love of their life for God knows how long? I don't want to do this and yet I do. I do with every fiber of my being. "When I picture myself in twenty years, I see me too old and still clinging to the useless thought that maybe; just maybe, our happy ending will come someday. And even though my stupid heart feels like it needs you to survive, it's not what I want, not who I want to..."

"I can't lose you."

It's said with finality, certainty and it cuts through my whole existence as I look at you with gloom.

"Sasuke..."

"We can make it work; we just have to try something different..." The insistence would be enough to make anyone falter. "Just tell me what you want and I...we can make it happen, we're still here after all this time, aren't we?"

"It's not easy for me either..." I confess, because you want to hear it.

"What should I do?" you ask, bottom lip trembling ever so slightly. "Tell me what you want from me and I'll give it to you, I'll..."

"I don't want anything at all," I mutter. "I just want you."

"You have me. I've always been yours, always..."

I know that. I do.

"But it's not meant to be, no matter what we do or how hard we try." I say, fighting so that my own body language remains calm, secure. "I think it's time we both learn how to accept that and move on with our lives. Separately."

All I can hear for the next few seconds is the raged way you breathe and the loud pounding of my heart in my ears.

You shift and bring a soaked hand to cover your eyes. I feel like I'm breaking inside with every second that goes by.

"We broke up so many times already, and yet, it feels different this time." You say, and even though you look so devastated, you say it with surprising composure now. "Why?"

I lick my dry lips and inhale through my nose.

"Because this is it, Sasuke."

When your hand drops and your eyes are visible again, a few liquid, crystalline drops roll from them and I immediately look down, to the surface of the scented water.

It's just water, I tell myself.

Just water.

"I can change. We can do this, we can try again." You press on.

My voice trembles when I speak again and I hate myself for feeling this weak towards you.

"We could, but nothing will change, and we both know that. We've done this so many times before."

"We'll do it differently this time."

"Will we?" My vision becomes blurry without my consent. "I don't..." A small hiccup leaves my chest and before I know it, something warm is definitely running down my cheeks.

I use my wrist to furiously wipe my face clean, but the damned tears just keep falling and I want to stop because I don't even feel like crying, but they just keep fucking _falling_.

All the while I feel your unwavering gaze on me, and I only hope that you understand that I'm crying for us, for the loss of us, and for my desperate need to move on, without you.

I need to stay away from you as much as I need air in my lungs. Being near you makes it hard to breathe.

Even if I still think that living without you may be as hard as having you by my side.

But reversed psychology always worked better on you.

"We can do this again if that's what you want." I sob, with a sniff, after having pulled myself together.

"What I want is for you to be happy." You say, gently, and with every slow word you utter, I know how much you mean it.

"And I want _you_ to be happy as well." I hiccup back, trying to see you through my watery vision but not managing it that well.

"I'm happy when I'm with you."

"So am I but...that happiness doesn't last long. Is all this pain really...worth those few moments of joy? We are hurting each other beyond repair. It's just not worth it."

Your blurry figure tenses but I can see the black that is your head nodding once.

Then, you groan coolly. It's loud, angry, hurt and sorrowful but I know you have accepted that things are as they should be. Right now you're overwhelmed, just as I am. You might hate me now, and you will suffer for a long time, as I will, but this time, neither of us is going to get the other back on our feet – we'll have to manage that on our own, or by relying on others.

We'll be fine because we're not meant to be. This whole situation was not meant to be, no matter how many times we tried to delude ourselves.

We'll be fine because from now on we'll live the way we were supposed to.

The water shifts violently and I see your figure getting up in all its naked glory. I clean my eyes for one last time and my vision clears.

"Sasuke..." I call out weakly, once you're out of the bathtub and reaching for the towel rack beside it.

"Don't talk to me." You snap, grabbing a red towel and wrapping it around your waist ferociously.

"I love you." I mutter.

"But it's not enough." You say, glancing my way once more before heading for the door and opening it.

"No, it isn't." I agree.

Without another word, you leave and slam the door close behind you and I'm left here, all by myself.

Even though it hurts, my resolution never wavers.

It's the right thing to do.

000

In the end, I advise you to not stay in the house, so you call Itachi on his cellphone and end up asking him if you can stay with him for a few days. I'll be staying at Shikamaru's for the time being until I can find a place of my own.

We avoid talking about selling the house and it is not the time to decide who will keep what.

We silently pack a few of our things. We'll be back to get the rest of them when we can, and I'm sure someone from both our sides will make sure we don't have to meet in the process.

I don't want to see you for a while, that's for sure. I know I'll miss you, of course I will, but I'll get over it, eventually, or so I hope. If we happen to meet, some day in the future, I hope I have gotten over you by then so we can have a few drinks and pretend all these years never happened.

Because I sincerely love you like I've never loved anyone before - as a lover, as a friend, as family, as…as everything a human being wants in another human being.

It just…wasn't meant to be.

Because… just because we love each other doesn't mean we are meant to be together.

Somehow, when I give you the keys to our car and our fingers brush, I really wish we can someday be friends again, even if we're really old by then.

The afternoon sun is warm but the wind is chilly. You open the door of the car but turn to me instead of getting inside.

I don't stop you from kissing me, even if this feels like a definite gesture of parting. You hold me close and I stroke your cheeks affectionately.

When we do part, we stop touching each other completely, both deciding that there is no need for words – they're useless anyway.

I watch you get inside the car and put the key to the ignition, starting it.

I don't even wave goodbye, I just turn my back on you and walk away, down the street, feeling your eyes on my back, as heavy and as painful as every step I take that leads me away from you.

It hurts, Sasuke, but this is it, for sure. Maybe this is the last time for us, maybe not. Maybe it'll be better in another life if we are, indeed, destined to meet.

No matter how hard this is, how much my heart is breaking, shattering with every beat, I'll get back on my feet and move on without you. And I hope you can do it, too.


End file.
